


Unthinkable

by Imagine036



Series: Losing Sleep (and other things) [3]
Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Angst, Epiphany, F/M, Headcanon-Felicity knew about the plan, Romance, The Unthinkable
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-10
Updated: 2014-06-10
Packaged: 2018-02-04 04:48:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1766041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Imagine036/pseuds/Imagine036
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He shouldn’t have said the words, not out loud. He hadn’t meant to, but standing there, looking down at her, they’d slipped out before he could take control of his filter.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Unthinkable

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: Arrow still isn't mine.

He lies awake, a thousand thoughts running through his mind. He can’t shut his brain down for more than a couple of hours per night as he lies on the cot in the corner of the new lair, too many memories of the past year crowding his head. Roy’s injection, Thea’s abandonment, his mother’s death, Laurel’s knowledge, Felicity…

 

His mind lingers longest on that last one for reasons he wishes were unknown to him but he isn’t complaining. It’s far more pleasant to think of Felicity than it is to reflect on his mother’s murder or question his sister’s whereabouts, even if those thoughts are tainted with the thin film of regret now. He shouldn’t have said the words, not out loud. He hadn’t meant to, but standing there, looking down at her, they’d slipped out before he could take control of his filter. Really, it’s her fault. She’s the one with the contagious verbal diarrhea and his nerves were frayed to begin with. Who can blame him for wanting to say it, at least once? Answer: he can blame himself.

 

It wasn’t something he did lightly, putting on a show and then leaving her there for Slade, but she’d convinced him it was necessary. It had taken her precious minutes to extract the plan from him once she’d seen the realization on his face in QC.

 

* * *

 

 

 _He isn’t really listening to the exact words of her speech; her facial expression is more than enough to set him back on track. When he looks into her eyes, full of conviction and belief in him even in the face of despair, he can’t help but wonder why, out of all men in this city (in this world, really), she finds_ him _worthy of her unwavering support. What is it that makes him deserving of her faith in him? He’s given her no reason to stay yet here she stands, trying to pull him back from the edge he’s teetering on, just as she pulled him back from his suicide mission earlier. Granted, it was with a tranq dart that Digg shot, but he’s sure their partner hadn’t come up with that on his own._

_He isn’t sure he’d survive without her. She’s the one who’s always there, propping him up when he starts to fall, silently supporting him through every trial and tribulation. She never asks for anything in return. She’s his light in the perpetual darkness, and_ what _did he ever do to deserve her?_

_He doesn’t, really. Deserve her, that is. She’s far too good for him, and he’s spent far too long contemplating what he’ll do once she finally comes to her senses and leaves. The prospect is… unthinkable, her not being here. She’s everything he never knew he needed and everything he can’t live without and_ when _did he start thinking about her like this? When did she become so intertwined with his idea of happiness and success? When did he look at her and see…_

_“This is happening because you_ were _one,” she’s telling him._

_…the woman he loves?_

_He blinks. Oh, hell no. Now is_ not _the time for this revelation. Not right in the middle of this chaos, with Laurel’s life on the line and the city in shambles. No. He is_ not _in love with Felicity Smoak. He may not be in love with Laurel any more, but that doesn’t mean he’s in love with Felicity… does it? Just because Slade took the wrong woman doesn’t mean there’s a_ right _one, does it?_

_That annoying little voice in his head, the one that sounds suspiciously like Felicity, is telling him he’s full of shit._

_“You just have to make him outthink you.”_

_Her words resonate, pulling him out of his head, and suddenly everything falls into place._

I can’t get close enough to him to cure him.

_He could beat Slade… but no. Absolutely not. It’s… It’s unthinkable._

 

To beat the unthinkable, you have to be willing to do the unthinkable.

_“Oliver?” Her eyebrows are pinched together and she reaches out to him. He jerks away from her, turning his back and pacing toward the window. Undeterred, she tries again. “Oliver, what’s wrong?”_

_“Nothing.”_

_“You thought of something, didn’t you?” He’s silent. “Tell me.”_

_He fights her on it, harder than he’s fought her on anything yet. This isn’t just acting as bait for the Dollmaker or checking on flu vaccines. This is handing herself over to a maniac with super strength. This is a very real possibility of death if it fails. He can’t protect her this time, and he seriously doubts his ability to save her. But she overrules him as she always does and soon he’s leaving her in Queen Mansion with words he wasn’t meant to vocalize, everything in his gut screaming at him to turn around and go back to her._

 

* * *

 

 

The utter shock on her face when he blurted out those three words plays out behind his eyelids every time he closes his eyes. She may have been in on the plan from the start, but she wasn’t prepared to hear him go _that_ far. He knows because he wasn’t prepared to go that far either. He lost control of his mouth and let the feelings he’d only just realized escape.

 

In that moment, all he’d wanted was to close the distance between them and feel her lips under his. It’s not the first time he’s had that desire, but after expressing such an intimate sentiment, it’s the first time he’s almost lost the battle against it. The hard syringe in his hand was the only thing reminding him it was all a plan, and he’d pressed it into her palm and left before he could think about what he was doing.

 

Now, he’s left with all the ways it could have gone wrong. He’s tormented by nightmares of his mother falling dead and Felicity joining her.

 

He’s also left with the startling truth behind his words, agonizing over them late into the night. Telling her was wrong, especially since he can’t (or is it _won’t_?) act on them. What he told her after Russia still applies; he won’t put her in the path to be sacrificed for something she can’t control. Not again. In fact, if he could erase these feelings, he’d do it in a heartbeat. It’s too dangerous to love her, and she’s already in enough danger as it is. He can’t bear the emotional turmoil of watching her in that situation ever again; it was far more intense and terrifying than he expected.

 

* * *

 

 

_He wasn’t expecting to feel so… suffocated when Slade’s call came in. He’d thought he was prepared to hear his taunts over the line, but nothing had readied him for the chill that bolted down his spine or the sudden absence of all air from the tunnel. Nothing had prepared him for the sight of her standing here, blade pressed to her throat as she tries not to outwardly panic._

_Soon, Slade is bringing Laurel in, his former love struggling pointlessly against the super soldier holding her. He doesn’t glance over at her, knowing she’s at least alive from the sounds of protest. He can’t afford distraction right now, not with Felicity’s life hanging so precariously in the balance. If something goes wrong… His eyes flick down to her automatically, checking to make sure she’s still relatively unharmed. Aside from the very real terror, she looks like she’s handling the whole situation rather well. At least his poker face is good, or he’s sure Slade would realize he’s a lot less alright with this than she is._

_By the time she’s standing and slipping her hand into her pocket for the cure, his heart is hammering out of his chest and his breathing is too shallow. If this goes wrong, he’s going to lose her. He’ll never see her smile again, never feel her light and warmth and-_

_She stabs Slade’s neck and then bolts out of his reach when he stumbles. It all happens so fast after that, with Sara coming in and getting the two women out while he tries to refocus on fighting his former friend. He can’t concern himself with Felicity’s safety right now. He has to trust Sara to keep her safe. If he can’t take out Slade, this will all have been for nothing._

 

* * *

 

No, he can’t go through that again, and she should never have to. That’s why she can never know. It’s unfair to her, letting her think he doesn’t love her, but if it keeps her safe in the long run, he’ll do anything. He can live with the gnawing guilt in his gut every time he looks at her and remembers what he said, but he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he can’t live without _her_. So, he’ll do whatever is needed to ensure he doesn’t.

 

Digg thinks he’s being a special kind of stupid, keeping it from her, but Oliver knows part of him understands. They swore they’d protect her when she joined them, and painting the largest target of them all on her back isn’t living up to that promise. Putting her out there for both the Arrow and Oliver Queen’s enemies as the woman he loves most (non-platonically) is an unacceptable option. He’s also pretty sure Digg doesn’t want to deal with the fallout if an attempt was to go badly, and he can’t blame him. It would ruin what they have right now if he were to break her as he’s broken so many other women. He would never forgive himself.

 

No, she’s much safer staying in the friend and trusted partner role. Sara told him he needed someone to harness his light, and Felicity can still do that without the potential of him extinguishing hers. Maybe it’s arrogant of him to assume he could hold that much power over her, but he’d rather not find out. He needs her if he stands a chance of remaining the hero she’s made him believe he is.

 

So he’ll just continue on the way he always has, pretending Slade’s vendetta hasn’t brought all of this to surface. He’ll do what he does best and bury it, ignoring the way he felt the second those words slipped from his lips, or the way his entire body relaxed the moment she was in his arms after they were reunited.

 

* * *

 

 

 _Once Slade has been taken into ARGUS custody, he can’t get to them fast enough. He needs to make sure she-_ they _are safe. He’s confident that Sara wouldn’t be waylaid by a couple of henchmen, but he’ll feel better when she-_ they _are in his sights._

_His breath comes a bit easier as he rounds the corner to the meeting spot he and Sara agreed upon. He’s surprised to see Nyssa with them, but at that second Felicity’s turning and catching his eye and suddenly Nyssa’s presence is thoroughly unimportant. The air whooshes out of his lungs for an entirely different reason than earlier as he catalogues every inch of her from the distance, making sure she’s not hurt. She appears to be fine, and he’s finally taking a step toward her when something very solid is colliding with him._

_His eyes snap down to recognize Laurel’s brown hair as she wraps her arms tightly around his neck. Her old nickname for him, the one he’ll never tell her grates on his nerves, is a sigh of relief from her lips. They’ve come a long way from his return, when she’d essentially told him she wanted him dead, and he’s relieved she’s safe. Belatedly, he wraps his free arm around her, squeezing gently in case she’s injured._

_His eyes find Felicity again over the top of Laurel’s head. She isn’t looking at him, instead smiling slightly at Sara. He drinks in the image of her, still smiling after everything. She is truly remarkable, the light in all this darkness._

_As though she senses his stare, her head swivels to catch him. Unlike every previous time, though, he doesn’t look quickly away for fear of being discovered. Instead, he holds her eyes with his steadily. It’s not enough, though. After the hallucinations he suffered earlier this year, he has a very real need to touch her, to_ feel _that she’s there, that she’s safe._

_As though sensing the change (maybe he did stiffen a bit more), Laurel pulls back slightly, her hands rising to his cheeks as she stares up at him, drawing his attention back to her. There are so many emotions playing across her face all at once and he finds his stomach churning. “They told me what you did. How you saved me, saved the city. You’re a hero, Ollie. Remember that.”_

_For some reason, the words don’t bring the same warmth to his chest that they do when Felicity says them. It isn’t just because of his revelation tonight, either. As he stares down at Laurel, he realizes that this is the first time she’s ever called him a hero, the first time she’s ever believed he was capable of it. Even when she was using him as the Hood, she saw him as a method to get justice for those who escaped the system. He spent a large portion of this past year trying to convince her he was more than that, but it isn’t until now, with the proof right in front of her (and apparently an explanation from Felicity and Sara about the plan) that she finally believes it._

_He can’t blame her, really. He’s never given her any reason to have faith in him. Maybe that’s why it doesn’t mean as much. She doesn’t really believe in_ him _; not the way Felicity does. Laurel believes in the Arrow and his actions, none of which would have been possible without Felicity’s belief that he, Oliver, could be a hero in his own right._

_With that thought, the urge to touch his small blonde partner returns full force and he’s pulling his lips up in a forced smile at Laurel and stepping out of her reach. He’s aware of the brunette’s face pinching in confusion as she half-turns to follow his progress past her. When he stops just a step away from Felicity, bow clutched tightly in his hand, he sees the expression mirrored on her face. He hesitates for only a second, weighing the wisdom of what he desperately wants before giving in. The bow drops to the floor with a clatter in the same instant he’s closing the distance and wrapping both arms around her waist tightly._

_She stiffens in surprise for a second before bringing her arms up to wrap around his neck gently. It’s a reversal of the hug Laurel just gave him, strangely enough, with him holding on for dear life while she returns the embrace cautiously, hand stroking through his hair as he buries his face in her neck and inhales deeply. The tension he’s been carrying all day rushes out of him. She’s here. She’s safe._

_He holds her longer than he should, but it’s harder than he thought to let her go. The feeling of her body pressed tightly against his is soothing in a way he didn’t expect, but somehow fails to surprise him. There’s also a part of him that knows he’ll never be this close to her again. After everything he’s realized tonight, he can’t afford to give in to the desire to hug her like this ever again. It might just undo his resolve._

_When he finally pulls back, searching her eyes for any trace of injury she isn’t telling them about, he’s met with a slightly strained smile. He feels compelled to say something, anything, but thankfully he’s interrupted by Nyssa clearing her throat before that train wreck can leave the station._

_“I am sorry, but we must go, Sara,” she says quietly._

_He turns from Felicity to look at Sara. He doesn’t want her to go, but what she’s doing is heroic in its own right. She’s sacrificing the life she can lead here for the safety of her family, friends, and ultimately the city. She may not think she’s heroic, but she is, and he can only hope she sees that one day._

_Their hug is different from the other two he’s exchanged tonight. It’s brief, just enough time for her to whisper in his ear, “I’m glad you realized you can’t do this alone.”_

_He squeezes gently in acknowledgement of her words. “I need all the help I can get.”_

_Sara steps back, a smile lighting up her face and a twinkle in her eye. “Your light is showing.”_

_His lips twitch. “Take care of yourself, Sara.”_

* * *

 

He’s stayed true to his decision that night and kept Felicity at arm’s length ever since. She almost broke him with her rambling on the beach, but the memory of Slade’s blade at her neck stopped him from leaning forward and pressing his lips to hers. He compromised by not taking it back, something that may be even more unfair than saying it in the first place. It would be easier on her if he had told her he didn’t mean it at all. Instead, he’s left the door cracked open in true Ollie fashion.

 

It took a couple of weeks for things to go back to some semblance of normal, and he suspects it will never be quite the same, but he’ll live with it. She’s here, and that’s what matters. It’s safer for her this way, thinking he only wants to be her partner. Lying awake at night with the guilt her words provoke in him is the smallest price he can pay in this situation, because no amount of happiness is worth the despair he would feel if she were gone. She’s the one person he needs to keep going. He’ll gladly sacrifice anything for her, even if that anything is his only shot at happiness.

 

_It’s unthinkable. You and me, I mean._

She’s convinced it’s unthinkable for him to love her, but really, it’s unthinkable for him _not_ to.


End file.
